Facing death is something I have to do at least every six months with my scans. The grim reaper has come calling once, but it wasn’t my time. I came back with a new appreciation for the moments we have and with whom we share them with. If you aren’t in my life, there is a reason.
MAKE EACH MOMENT COUNT.
Sometimes death crawls closer to hold me in its grasp long enough that I question my sanity and safety on a weekly or daily basis. It forces me to look beyond the event horizon and look at the big picture.
Will I die in ten minutes or ten years? Or ten seconds or a few decades?
No one is promised tomorrow. Yet we all live like it is expected. Sometimes with dread. Or the monotony of wake, eat, work, sleep … rarely allowing ourselves to see the silver linings in the beautiful grey clouds. I’ve seen the meme that says “growing old is a privledge denied to many” but I have prayed that I don’t wake up on the morrow … in the same week that someone valiantly fought to hold onto life and lost it. I couldn’t hand them my seconds, minutes, weeks or years.
What I have learned is that your hell is my heaven. If you think life really and truly sucks, find someone who would take your shoes in a heartbeat and listen to their story. With all my privilege, I am sure someone on this planet will think my life is a dream come true.
I’ve been through cancer once and have to look for the telltale signs of a reoccurrence all the time. I’ve already decided that I won’t go through treatment a second time.
Daily questions to myself are: “How are you? Are you stressed? Are you eating properly? Is Matt okay? What are you doing to mitigate the negatives?”
Weekly questions are: “When was your last self-exam? What else is going on in your body and mind? Are we there yet? You didn’t really just do that, did you?”
Six month questions are: “Another scan. Breathe … and hold.”
Annual questions are: “If you are still here, what do you want to accomplish in the next 3 months?”
So look through your life through my lens.
Where do you want to be in three months and what will it take to get there?
I regret that I haven’t traveled. It’s the one yearning I can’t escape, but I guess I am meant to experience this planet through the world wide web. Retirement is not a luxury I can afford as a single mother.
I still can’t travel too far – a condition of my cancer – so I want to send my son off on a year long voyage to find himself.
He has struggled with so much … and if I was him, I’d go.
Fly – be free!
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