Fear

Back in the day before phones and personal computers, we students of the 70s and 80s had to write our English essays out on paper.  Mistakes were my kryptonite.  They made me feel weak and not good enough.  I loved my medium blue ballpoint pen but hated that white out stuff.  So, I refused to make a mistake.  If I messed up while handwriting out my final homework, I would start over rather than scratch something out.  Perfect or not doing it seem to be my only modes.  All in or fukit.

I finished my Law class with a 99% average… and wondered why I couldn’t make it that extra 1%…  Yet, I don’t think I am a know-it-all (Am I?).  I most certainly am not perfect.  And I continue to grow and learn everyday.

It made for some very tiresome arguments in my brain.  That not-so-little voice in my head asserts her point of view over everything.   I can’t get her to shut the hell up.  It doesn’t matter if I do something noble or do something only a certified nutcase would attempt.   She crosses her arms, tut-tuts me and passes as judge and jury.  And, boy, is she tough!

What is it that holds us back?  FOMO – Fear of missing out?  Fear of failure?  Fear of success?  Fear of hard work?  Fear of being alone?  Fear of having to face my problems?  Fear of letting go?  Fear of change (I love change)?

I had to just toss her out of my head.

The last two years have been all about me inspecting me from the inside out.  It’s been a brutal – yet honest – journey.  I’ve lived, I’ve loved, I’ve cried, I got cancer, I’ve fucked up, I’ve lost, I’ve rebuilt.  I’ve gone on.  I sank and I’ve climbed again.  I am absolutely a different – and better – person than I was a year ago.  And much stronger than the woman a year before that.  I barely know her.

It’s been tough to publicly falter and fall. It was even rougher to get back up on my own.  Well, almost on my own, but never on my own.  I most certainly did find out who my people are.  It’s not easy to bare it all online, knowing that every one is reading my words through their own filter.  Yet, it is oddly cathartic.

When was making a mistake the end of the journey?  Isn’t that why inventors placed an eraser on the end of a pencil?

Or, from another perspective, life is making art without an eraser!  The mistakes are part of the plan.

Attitude is the difference between an ordeal and an adventure. 

We do indeed have a choice in how we respond.  The people I admire aren’t the ones who were handed a charmed life and lay waste to it.  It’s the people who hit rock bottom and realize it’s an effing solid foundation.

By making myself think, I hope I make you think.

By living and loving simply, I hope you appreciate the most important things in our life together.

By loving myself first, I pray I can radiate that love back out.

Sure, I still have fears, uncertainty and doubts… but a lot less than I did when I started this blog.  Considering what I have experienced in the last ten years, I feel as if I am lucky to still be standing some days.  Then there are other days when I realize how lucky I am.  My son has watched me falter, get sick, make unhealthy choices, lose my shit, and still show up for work and life the next day.  He righted my crown when it was slipping out of place.

So thank you… for being on this journey with me.  I know it hasn’t been easy.  Your likes, your comments, your laughs, your emails, your texts, your calls.  They mean so much to me to know someone is listening.

Life isn’t getting any easier, so we have to hang on to each other.  Extend a helping hand, reach out and touch someone’s heart.  Assume the best, not the worst.

My Mother used to cry at the stroke of midnight on New Year’s as we sang Auld Lang Syne, which translates to modern English as  Days Gone By.  It’s hard to say goodbye, but sometimes we must.  You are gone, but not forgotten.  Thanks for the reason, the season or forever.

Should old acquaintance be forgot,
and never brought to mind?
Should old acquaintance be forgot,
and old lang syne?

CHORUS:
For auld lang syne, my dear,
for auld lang syne,
we’ll take a cup of kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.

Happy New Year!  Let my year of FEARLESSNESS begin!

The Fox

2 Comments Add yours

  1. 3bones says:

    Loved your perspective on “life is making art without an eraser! The mistakes are part of the plan.” Your post reminds me of one of my favorite words, pentimento, and it seems that rather than use the eraser on the end of the pencil to erase the mistakes, you are using the writing end to redraw the story that is your life. That’s the art of your life. I am enjoying your posts … they make me think.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. The Fox says:

      Thank you! I find all of us are so cut off these days… isolated and alone among the 7+billion others. We all think we have to be perfect, and we aren’t. And I love the word pentimento!

      Liked by 1 person

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