A Facebook friend was moaning about an endless roll of Christmas wrapping paper she bought years ago at Costco.  It seemed to keep going and going … and going.  “This thing never ends!” she cried.  Can you imagine wrapping in the same paper year after year after year?

I commented “I can’t commit that fully to paper.”

And I realized there it was:  I was a commitment-phobe. 

I can’t even commit to paper.

The funny thing is… I bought one of those huge rolls myself this year.  The left brain was egging me on:  “C’mon it’s a good investment!”  The right brain recoiled from the ball and chain of using the same wrapping paper for the next decade.  What if I get tired of it?  Can I get creative with it?  It has two sides… but…

Each Christmas, I like to follow a theme and have the gifts look picture perfect under the tree. Gift wrapping wasn’t a chore; it was an art.  With one humongous roll, I was locked in.  I still haven’t touched it and am still considering giving it away before it is opened.  I couldn’t even break the seal and instead chose extra-large gift bags this year (which can be used over and over again … LOL).

No wonder I could never finish a scrapbook page.  Or get married.

I can’t even tell you my favourite colour.  While most kids were learning red, blue and yellow – I was learning chartreuse, citrine and periwinkle.  My father was a designer and introduced me to all the subtle nuances of shades.  I have have a photographic memory when it comes to colour.  Picking a wall colour was AGONY, yet somehow – nine years later – I am still happy with my Orient Express Crimson, because it is sexy and on my Top Ten list.

“Why do you wear so much black?”  my then-boyfriend asked.

“Because I like it.  It goes with everything.” I said.  But was that the only reason?  Or was it easy to commit to because otherwise my colour OCD would require new boots to go with that new pair of dark blue velvet leggings.  I do actually have a practical side!

Imagine my dilemma when I go for a shellac pedicure and they have thirty plus sample charts… My heart speeds up when I have to make a decision.  It is only a 4-week commitment so I can go back and change into something completely different for $30.

And food… glorious food.  I can – and will – eat anything.  I love new flavours (except cilantro).  60% of my cooking is new recipes since I love to experiment.  Variety is the spice of life, no?

Look at my hair!  It’s been ten colours!

But I realize that not making a commitment was giving me an out.

“Indecision is the key to flexibility.”

I wasn’t just non-committal to colour, but everything that smacked of routine.  I hatez it.  People don’t actually have the same thing for breakfast every morning, do they?  Coffee?  I can commit to that.  But give me an all-day menu alongside my old favourite.

I had a client who couldn’t make a decision and I offered him two choices.

“No, I want to look at all my options,” he said.

“No, you don’t need to look at this end or that end of the spectrum.  That’s why you have me… the specialist.”  And I sent him a link to Barry Schwartz’s Top TED Talk on:

The Paradox of Choice

But I realize that by not making a full commitment, I am not reaching my full potential.  I always have that escape route.

Lazy?  People who know me shake their heads.  “You?  Lazy?  You are kidding, right?”

Maybe taking the easy way?  Possible.  Many things always came easy for me.  Too easy.

But when I dig in… I dig in fiercely.  Motherhood was never an option.  But he isn’t the boss of me, so my defiance is directed elsewhere.  I am a mother bear.

Want to piss me off royally?  Tell me what to do.  And watch me not do it.

However, I have made some commitments to me, myself & I for 2019.

I will be fearless.

I will finish what I start.

I will give my best self to what is most important in my life. 

Let’s see where I am in 2020.  Assuming I am still here.  Cancer has shortened my attention span and my lifespan.

The Fox