Facing death is something I have to do at least every six months with my scans.  The grim reaper has come calling once, but it wasn’t my time.  I came back with a new appreciation for the moments we have and with whom we share them with.  If you aren’t in my life, there is a reason.

MAKE EACH MOMENT COUNT.

Sometimes death crawls closer to hold me in its grasp long enough that I question my sanity and safety on a weekly or daily basis.  It forces me to look beyond the event horizon and look at the big picture.

Will I die in ten minutes or ten years?  Or ten seconds or a few decades?

No one is promised tomorrow.  Yet we all live like it is expected.  Sometimes with dread.  Or the monotony of wake, eat, work, sleep … rarely allowing ourselves to see the silver linings in the beautiful grey clouds.  I’ve seen the meme that says “growing old is a privledge denied to many” but I have prayed that I don’t wake up on the morrow … in the same week that someone valiantly fought to hold onto life and lost it.  I couldn’t hand them my seconds, minutes, weeks or years.

What I have learned is that your hell is my heaven.  If you think life really and truly sucks, find someone who would take your shoes in a heartbeat and listen to their story.  With all my privilege, I am sure someone on this planet will think my life is a dream come true.

I’ve been through cancer once and have to look for the telltale signs of a reoccurrence all the time.  I’ve already decided that I won’t go through treatment a second time.

Daily questions to myself are: “How are you?  Are you stressed?  Are you eating properly?  Is Matt okay?  What are you doing to mitigate the negatives?”

Weekly questions are: “When was your last self-exam?  What else is going on in your body and mind?  Are we there yet?  You didn’t really just do that, did you?”

Six month questions are: “Another scan.  Breathe … and hold.”

Annual questions are:  “If you are still here, what do you want to accomplish in the next 3 months?”

So look through your life through my lens.

Where do you want to be in three months and what will it take to get there?

I regret that I haven’t traveled.  It’s the one yearning I can’t escape, but I guess I am meant to experience this planet through the world wide web.  Retirement is not a luxury I can afford as a single mother.

I still can’t travel too far – a condition of my cancer – so I want to send my son off on a year long voyage to find himself.

He has struggled with so much … and if I was him, I’d go.

Fly – be free!

The Fox

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